Britain woke this morning to the stunning allegation that May Day may not simply be about flowers, poles, Morris dancers, and the national right to stand in drizzle. According to a dossier assembled in a kitchen, the holiday is "obviously" a communist cover because everyone holds ribbons at the same time.
The report, titled Red Ribbons, Red Flags, argues that the maypole is less a festive village object and more "a vertical manifesto with bells on." Its author declined to name his sources, saying only that one was "a retired councillor, two were WhatsApp screenshots, and one may have been a goblin-shaped garden ornament seen near a polling station."
Cultural historians immediately disputed the claim, noting that May Day traditions long predate modern party politics and that most participants are primarily motivated by cake. Still, the dossier has travelled quickly through Westminster, where aides are reportedly checking whether the word "garland" appears in any old manifestos.
A government spokesperson said there was "no evidence of coordinated ideological maypole activity," then asked whether that quote could be attributed to "a normal person, not the department." The opposition responded by calling for a full inquiry into why the government seemed frightened of folk dancing.
The investigation concludes with a diagram linking ribbons to rosettes, rosettes to elections, elections to leaflets, and leaflets to "the terrifying possibility of people reading things outdoors." Experts called the chart "energetic."